Dear Doctor: A Doctor Answers Your Questions
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How to help our daughter?
Dear Doctor,
My daughter, aged 21, has had depression for a few months now. We don’t know what to do to help her recover. Although she has been to see her doctor and is taking antidepressants, we are finding it really hard to know what we should be doing for her, as everything we seem to say or suggest is met by negative answers – usually ‘that won’t help!’
She can be very irritable at times and, while we love her very much, we sometimes feel frustrated. What should we be doing to help her?
Mary*
Dear Mary,
As a parent myself, I have been in very much the situation you describe, and I know just how difficult it can be. It is always painful for a parent to see their child suffering, but Depression causes special problems for parents and friends.
The illness is characterised by negative thinking such as “I'm rubbish", "nobody loves me", "I've no future", "there's no point going on". As a parent, you maybe feel that your daughter is rude to you and can be angry and hostile towards you, making it desperately difficult for you to help.
Furthermore, when you feel under attack from your daughter, it can be very hard to see this as a feature of the illness. You may respond with your own anger and criticism, with the risk of worsening her low self-esteem and sense of isolation.
I think it was "Peanuts", the cartoon character, who made the request, "don't try to understand me, just love me". As a parent or friend of a person with Depression, the illness may seem baffling and impossible to understand. The most important thing we can do is to continue to give our love and friendship.
Encourage your daughter to continue to take her antidepressant, and to see her doctor regularly. Sadly, depressed patients often stop their treatment because improvement can be slow or because their negative thinking tells them nothing can help.
You will probably want to learn as much about your daughter's illness as possible. If you have access to the Internet there are various helpful websites, such as Young Minds, who give support and information to parents of children or young people with mental health problems: www.youngminds.org.uk. You may also telephone the organisation on: Tel 020 7336 8445. Young Scot can also provide information and support at: www.youngscot.org.uk.
DAS receives many calls and emails from concerned friends and family members, like yourself, and we have our own DAS information pack and carers' fact sheet that are available without cost. You can get it by ringing 0131 467 3050 or emailing info@dascot.org. You may also find our website helpful: www.dascot.org.
Be encouraged by the fact that Depression is a very treatable illness. Once diagnosed and treatment accepted, the great majority will recover. Try to remain optimistic, particularly when talking to your daughter.
Yours sincerely,
Gerry McPartlin
*Name changed as requested